How to talk to teenagers about Netflix's Adolescence.
A guide to having curious and non-judgemental conversations.
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I’ve been working with teenagers for over two decades, as a teacher, educational consultant and Philosophy for Children (P4C) trainer and I wasn’t surprised by Netflix’s Adolescence… apart from its portrayal of schools and my colleagues in Episode 2, but I’m not here to talk about that.
Since smartphones came onto the scene, and became cheap enough to be given to children, I’ve been convinced that my students will be the generation that brings in tighter controls on the internet and stricter rules for access to social media for under-16s. Most of them agree with me.
That’s because they’re the generation who are unwittingly the guinea pigs in a worldwide social experiment about what happens if children can access every thought that anyone across the globe thinks. Thoughts which aren’t vetted by the adults that care about them, aren’t fact-checked or particularly pleasant, and usually have a money-making and manipulative intention behind them. Thoughts which can be streamed directly into the privacy of a young person’s bedroom, into a young person’s mind, without an adult in their life ever finding out.
Not only that, but these thoughts are packaged up in dopamine releasing, addictive snippets of appealing videos and images that are entertaining, exciting or funny. Who cares if they are stealing our attention and reducing our concentration? Or diminishing our capacity to reason?
Of course, it’s not all terrible - I’m no digital doom-monger.
But young people today are subject to a type of pressure, scrutiny and influence that those who grew up before the internet, like me, cannot imagine. They need our support, not our judgement, and we must pass on the skills of critical thinking and reasoning so that they can make sense of what they are exposed to.
Keep reading if you’re wondering how to approach conversations about these issues with the young people in your life.
Many schools, including my own, have been addressing the issues Adolescence explores for years. I’ve designed a curriculum for students aged 11-18 which covers many of the related themes such as: Digital Citizenship and Algorithms; Gender Stereotyping; Online Grooming; Relationship Expectations; Abusive Relationships; Fake News; Misogyny; Harassment; Online Misinformation; Coercive Control; Sexual Harassment; and Digital Relationships.
In this guide you’ll find questions framed through Critical, Caring, Creative and Collaborative thinking which are integral parts of the P4C process. I believe we need to have open-ended, non-judgemental discussions with young people if we want to understand their experiences and views. To do this we need to be genuinely curious as we explore each other’s thoughts, not start the conversation from a fixed viewpoint.
If you haven’t seen it yet, Adolescence has sparked global conversations about challenges teenagers face in the digital-age, particularly concerning online influences, gender dynamics, and toxic online spaces. The series explores online radicalisation, toxic masculinity, and social media’s influence on young minds as it follows the story of 13-year-old Jamie Miller, who’s arrested for the murder of a female classmate.
Given its mature themes, I’d advise parents to watch the series first before deciding whether it is appropriate to watch with their child. As it’s rated 15 by IMDb (IMDb Parental Guide), some parents may wish to only discuss the themes with younger children rather than watch it together.
Six tips for conversations with young people
Picture this: you call your teenager into the kitchen and tell them you need to talk to them about something really important. You motion for them to sit opposite you. As you fire off question after question, you get a few short responses. Good start. Then you’re met with eye-rolls, followed by a shrug. As you press for more information, you might get a ‘dunno.’
Yes, I know, anyone who spends time with young people knows that this strategy is sure to fail.
But what works?
Conversations that take place when you’re doing other activities, such as walking, driving, watching TV together or cooking. Regular, short, unpressurised chats which emerge organically. An atmosphere of exploration rather than interrogation, perhaps using a few of the questions in this guide. You’ll find links to further reading and resources which have been referred to during the writing of this piece at the end.
1. If you approach with curiosity, rather than judgement, you will encourage open dialogue. Young people are more likely to open up if they feel safe from criticism. Instead of saying, You’re wrong! or Why would anyone believe that? try:
I hadn’t thought of it that way, can you tell me more so I can understand?
That’s an interesting perspective. What makes you think that?
I’m curious, where did you first hear about this idea? Who did you hear about it from?
2. We challenge ideas, not attack people. If you hear views you strongly disagree with, stay calm and engage in respectful discussion where you evaluate the argument for truth. Instead of saying, “That’s a terrible thing to say”, try:
Some people might see it differently. Can we explore another perspective?
What do you think someone with a different experience might say about this?
Is there any evidence to support this point? Is there any evidence against this point?
Are there any assumptions in this argument?
Is this statement always true, sometime true or rarely true?
3. Acknowledge how complex these issues are. These issues don’t have simple answers. Say things like:
This is a tough topic, and people have very different views. How do you feel about it?
I don’t have all the answers, but I want us to think this through together.
We don’t need to solve this question, but we can still talk about it.
What do you think I should learn more about before we discuss this again?
4. Encourage media literacy and challenge assumptions. We are all exposed to so much content online, that few of us take the time to think critically about much of it. Help them develop their own critical thinking skills by asking:
How do you know if a source is reliable?
How do you know if what they say is true?
What do you think the person posting this video or article is trying to achieve?
What’s the difference between a belief and a fact? Can something be true for one person but not for another?
How would you fact-check something before believing it?
How might this person/website/company/vlog be making money from viewers?
5. Offer a safe space for honest discussion and model reasoning If they feel uncomfortable, reassure them that they can talk to you without fear of getting into trouble. You might say:
I won’t be angry at you for sharing your thoughts. I really want to understand how you see things.
It’s okay if we don’t agree on everything. The important thing is that we can talk about it.
I’m not upset with you, I’m upset by the ideas as they are hurtful to me.
Shall we think of a counter-example to that point? Which argument has the most evidence supporting it?
Are there any exceptions to that rule?
6. Use follow-up questions and keep the conversation going. One conversation isn’t enough. These issues unfold over time, and new influences will continue to shape the young person’s views. Let them know:
Have you always felt this way?
Can you give any examples?
Do you know anyone else who thinks this?
Why might another person think the opposite is true?
Has your perspective shifted since we started talking about this?
Shall we summarise what we’ve talked about so far?
I know this is a big topic, and we don’t have to figure it all out today. I’d love to talk to you about this again.
Further Discussion Questions
Fitting In, Peer Pressure, and Online Influence
Why do you think certain people, like Jamie, are drawn to these online groups? What makes them vulnerable and what might they be searching for?
How do you handle the pressure to fit in, online or in real life? Are there certain friends or influencers/celebrities who make it worse?
Why are many of the messages we hear online so convincing? Are they just a form of advertising or marketing?
Is it possible to tell the difference between persuasion and manipulation? How?
How do online communities create a sense of belonging? When is that a good thing, and when can it become risky?
What might be the signs that a friend is getting drawn into harmful content online? How would you talk to them about it?
If someone starts changing because of an online group, how might that affect their friendships and family relationships? What would that feel like?
Gender, Masculinity, and Online Spaces
What is the ‘manosphere,’ and why do you think some people are drawn to it?
Have you watched influencers talking about masculinity online? What did they say and did you agree with any of their views?
What does it mean to be a ‘real man’?
How do adverts, music videos, films and TV shape our ideas about gender roles? Do you think that the story they tell about gender is the right one?
Are different genders treated differently online? How so?
What’s the difference between being masculine and what some people call ‘toxic masculinity’?
Is it possible to hold someone responsible for spreading misinformation online?
How does peer pressure influence the way young men see masculinity?
The Internet vs. Real Life
Do people behave differently in online conversations compared to real-life ones? Why?
Are people are more or less caring and understanding of each other when they chat online? Why?
Should people be held accountable for what they say on the internet? Where should the line be drawn?
If someone says something harmful online, do you think they always believe it, or could there be other reasons for their behaviour?
Do online spaces make people feel more connected or more isolated? Why do you think that is?
How can we fact-check something before believing it? Do you think most people do this?
What do you think the person posting these types of videos is trying to achieve?
Which laws tell us what we can and can’t say online? What happens if we break them?
Empathy and Responsibility
Do Jamie’s parent’s have any responsibility for what happened?
Does Jamie’s school have any responsibility for what happened?
How can schools and families help young people avoid dangerous online spaces?
What should the government and social media companies do to protect young people?
How can we support people who have been caught up in harmful online groups and now want to leave?
How do we balance the right to say what we think with the responsibility to consider how our words affect others?
If you could sit down with the characters from Adolescence, what questions would you ask them?
Have you watched Adolescence yet? Will you be using any of these questions in your conversations or do you have some others you can share in the comments?
Read more about my writing journey and how I went from first word to signing with a literary agent.
Read about the five life-changing quotes that inspired me to write my debut novel.
Further Reading
The Guardian – Adolescence could save lives
ABC Australia – Adolescence and Parenting Advice
Counter Hate - What is inceldom?
Ann Craft Trust – Toxic Masculinity Fact Sheet
Children’s Society – How toxic masculinity affects young people
Sharing this with my mum who teaches young adults and is always looking for ways to expand their way of thinking.
Great post, Simi! So much sage and helpful advice and ideas in here. And honestly, I think some of the ways you offer to phrase questions and speak with adolescence can be just as helpful when having tough conversations with adults! Thank you for sharing this.